Panic and a Pregnancy!

Ha! Now that I have your attention.

These days, it seems that the swim part of the triathlon will be the most challenging. Mostly because I just have a hard time with the breathing. I am not very comfortable in the water, never really have been my whole life. After observing and talking with swimmers I have an understanding of what it should be like and I have had a few successes with breathing and swimming but when I panic which is not hard for me to do in the water all the technique goes down the drain.

When it comes to running, biking and swimming, it is all about pace. I push, but not too much to exhaust myself too early. If I were a stove I'd say I try and simmer my way through each workout because I know that when I am going at the right speed, my breathing is good and my body is working at a nice pace I can go and go and go. It is the zone that people refer to. Being in the zone is knowing where that middle point is of working hard and enjoying it at the same time.
The problem is when I panic, breathing gets interrupted and becomes erratic, effort either gets pushed up too high or slowed down too low and either way, the pace is lost and I am out of the zone.

Panic is a problem that is always trying to creep itself into situations where I feel especially immersed in. I was once running and I threw myself into a panic because I imagined the person I just passed turned around and was chasing me. I looked over my shoulder and realized there was quite a distance growing between us. Another time, I panicked because I felt another person in the water, lost my concentration and somehow tangled myself up in deep water.

When it comes to panic there are a few things I do to immediately push it away. The first thing is I calm my breathing I focus on the inhale and the exhale. Counting if I have to in order to stabilize it. The next thing I do is focus on the technique: if I am running I make sure my upper body is loose and that my heels are absorbing most of the weight when I hit the concrete. If I am biking it is the shoulders, are they relaxed or holding all the anxiety? Focus on the way I am pushing the pedal down through heal. And with swimming are my arms extending over my head in an arc with my thumbs down? I slow down the kicking and relax. I am writing all this because it occurred to me as most things are these days with training, is that the way my body responds to stress/panic is the exact same in all circumstances training or living. I carry it in my shoulders or posture and I feel a quickened heart rate, erratic breathing and a feeling that the deck is stacking against me. But the good news is the techniques work the same way.
Most of the time panic is just an imagined negative that has the ability to derail whatever it is I am doing. The natural response would be to give into it, allow the panic to wash over me and drive me into a corner (aka quit/give up). But, now I know I am stronger. I fight that panic, countering it with calm. It works, let me tell you it works.


Now, since you stuck with me through all that.... there is a pregnancy.




Not mine though. My trainer announced to me she is 10 weeks pregnant. That is the same amount of time I have been training. I think that is so cool. She is struggling with it though so, that is why I told you all. Please pray for her. That this baby will change her heart. That she will have peace and acceptance and that her faith will grow right along with that little baby blessing.

VICTORY!!!

is sweet isn't it?

Rachael, Ryder and Rainbows

We had house guests for too short a time. In fact, there never would be enough time when it comes to Rachael and Sugarbaby. I would always want more time, there is so much to talk about, so much baby watching to do and there are just simply not enough meals in a day. Ah well, we will take what we can get. I just feel so special that she would make the trip alone and pregnant with a toddler to come visit little 'ol me. That sacrifice does not go unnoticed. Her heart is bigger that most though, and it is just pure pleasure to be around her. I love her sense of adventure (we went to the beach on a soggy day and her and Ryder couldn't have had a better time), her servant heart (she actually walked out of my room carrying my basket of ironing clothes and asked where my iron was...I know...she is silly) and the radiating love for God that just shines in her eyes and face. She is a blessed woman and I am blessed to know her.

We have had spotty rain for the past few days and it is soggy saturating rain that spills from grey covered skies. Today, the skies were clear blue with a few puffy white clouds. Coach and I had a rough morning over a disagreement that is familiar and yet difficult to reconcile about just how something should be done. Of course I think the way I think it should be done is far superior to the way he believes it should be done. And so the disagreement arose again and today I just felt defeated by it. You know, mid argument when you just stop because you can sense it is not headed anywhere and for sure, it can not be solved in the five minutes that he has left in the morning. But, the walking away made Coach think I didn't care and he did not like the way it felt to leave a frayed edge like that right before walking out the door. So he followed me to kitchen intent on knotting it until later. For some reason, I wouldn't grant him that. I weakly nodded when he apologized and barely looked up. He left and I continued to stew. Thoughts getting thicker, me getting trapped in them and finding it really difficult to find footing out of them. I loaded kids into car and pulled out of the garage. Suddenly, hard rain spilled out of that clear blue, sun shining sky and I flipped windshield wipers on. With both hands on the wheel I just sat there. Letting rain wash over us in the car. I tried hard to let go of the tangled, misdirected anger my heart was all tied up in. I prayed. I lifted my head and looked out across the sun and rain soaked practice football field and arcing across it was the most glorious double rainbow. Then drops were falling down my cheeks, and all that anger felt suddenly silly next to that perfect rainbow. How I wish I could somehow give a rainbow promise to my husband that he could always count on. Just like God gave to Noah. That I would be quicker to forgive, that I would pick better battles to fight, that I would let love override all my pride. But I can't. My sin prevents me from making those promises. That doesn't mean I won't try though. And the encouraging part....... always with God's amazing grace.

Love it!

Go Here and watch. I don't care what your beliefs are this will leave an impression on you.
And then, pass it on. Rumor is it will be broadcast during the American Idol Finale.

Thinking is sooo overrated....

I was watching the Biggest Loser finale last night and I was so inspired by the transformations of the contestants. By far, the best one was the 64 year old Jerry who lost 177 pounds by himself. He had been eliminated after only 2 weeks on the show and went home determined to lose weight. He looked amazing and it was so great to see that anything is possible at any age. He was being interviewed about how he kept motivated to workout and he said, "I just stopped listening to my my mind and let my body work".

How profound. How very true.

I have experienced this just a handful for times. Once I was running and had just finished, or rather struggled through the first mile. I felt tired and really didn't feel like pushing on. Then, something happened. My legs took over. They just started going and quite frankly I felt disconnected from them. As if they just decided, "we are going to run whether you want to or not". And I leaned into them and let them carry me. I remember thinking this is how it feels when your body is stronger than your mind and overrules what you are thinking.

The next time it happened I was on my bike and I was tired again, and was really just wishing it would end when my legs kicked it up. They just dug into the pedals and worked. And I leaned into it and let them go. There is no stopping what they want to do.

So, when I heard Jerry say what he did, I completely understood that the biggest obstacle is our mind. It tells us things that keep us comfortable because our minds are smart right? They want us happy not in pain or hurting. The problem is, when another part of you gets strong it wins out over the mind. It overrides the play it safe mentality that our minds feed us a constant, steady dose of. The stronger part knows that it is good even if there is pain.

And then it hit me. You can also train your spirit to be stronger than your mind. To take over when you think you can't and you can lean into it the same way. Train spirit by feeding it a healthy diet of God's Word. Train it to love always, even when it doesn't want to. When it feels hurt, betrayed or forgotten. And then, hopefully one day it will be stronger than your mind, overtake you and you can lean into it and just let it carry you through this beautiful life.

Mailbox overflowing yesterday. The gratitude spills in tears.... Thank You!

This picture, stopped my leisurely thumb through my new Real Simple magazine, COLD.


I ripped it out and it is now on my fridge. You rock Dara Torres!!!

Look what Camryn found............

Of course none of us would go near the thing....

We had to call in back-up in the form of our very southern neighbors who are more, ahem, comfortable handling animals than we are...wink....

He was very kind posing for pictures and allowing curious fingers to touch his beautiful green skin. But when released he shot off like a bandit who has been given a second chance.

Goodbye green, scary looking fellow...hope you find a nice spot somewhere to live.... far far away!!!!

*UPDATE

Work of God

Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine, hidden in
the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it.
Our ordinary life, devoid of human glamour, can be a path to holiness.
- St. Josemaria Escriva

Back when I lived in Buffalo, Cade and Camryn were little and I felt very, well, isolated because I was miles from family and I had a husband who worked 90 hours a week. I would have loved to have a group of godly women to lead me through. Sadly, my faith back then was weak. Those days I count as my hardest in my life so far. It was a lonely, exhausting and difficult experience. And worst of all, I felt like I was the only one in that predicament and who had ever been in that predicament. As I looked around me at other moms I saw women with strong support systems surrounding them and their families. Helping them on their day to day journey. It made me feel resentful but even worse than that I just set my head down and gritted through it. Telling myself, "This was your life and you just have to do what is required". There certainly was little joy in the journey. That would come much later, slowly, as my understanding of God's love for me grew and my heart grew right along with it.

Flash forward to yesterday, I had a house full of mothers and their children coming together solely for the purpose in finding out how to find holiness in their day. Looking and discovering how picking up messes all day builds up God's Kingdom. These "mommy talks" I will host but allow the leading to be done by a facilitator of Opus Dei . The talks will focus on the reflections of Christian life written by St. Joesmaria Escriva the founder of Opus Dei. This wasn't my brilliant idea, but that of a friend of mine who is a seasoned mother herself having raised 4 boys to adulthood. She has been coming to me to encourage me in all matters of my family life and to inspire me to truly live out my faith. I looked around my living room yesterday and I felt blessed. I can relate to the pains and struggles that were discussed, because they could very well have been from my own thoughts. How could I have known then that my heart was being prepared in those days for the ability of complete understanding of someone elses struggling heart today? I know more than ever that God uses it all, and will use all of you if you let him.

Your daily encounter with Christ takes place right where you work, where
your aspirations and your affections are....Heaven and earth seem to merge on
the horizon. But where they really meet is in your heart, when you strive for
holiness in your daily lives. -St. Josemaria Escriva

***Yesterday, where did I find myself but alone all day and realizing that not much has changed really since the lonely long days in Buffalo. I still am married to a workaholic, I have added two more babies to the mess, and still live miles from family. Not much has changed and yet everything has. My relationships however distant are cultivated the way only a carefully tended garden can be, and most importantly I eagerly embrace the solitude. Because wrapped in the aloneness where before I felt fear I now feel peace. I am not alone... the solitude is now where I realize it the most.

Training thoughts...whats new?

This weekend was the first chance I have had to train outside on my bike. Up to this point I have been spinning as my only training for the bike. And I was feeling confident about it. The class always kicks my booney but in a really great way. So I was feeling pretty good about my ride this weekend. Well, as usual I only had a half hour because I squeezed it in between another workout and Cade's lacrosse game. I made the gears harder because I was on a pretty flat road and I wanted to work. I felt good after the ride, I was thinking I had gone about 10 miles. Imagine my shock when I clocked it on the way home from the game and I realized I had only rode 5 miles! FIVE MILES??? At that rate, it will take me 2 1/2 hours do finish the 22 miles required of the race. I was so discouraged, but I decided I better have another go the next day. So after a nice afternoon at the beach, Doug drove the kids home and I mounted my bike to make the 11 mile ride home. I couldn't wait to find out how long it took....Ugh! Just over an hour....

After much thinking and talking it out I am truly happy about this current difficulty. It seems to be just the push I need to stay the course of training. I had started to feel a little comfortable with the training it was becoming as routine as running laundry or making coffee in the morning. As the days pass my endurance is better, I am stronger, and when I started to feel all that, I was becoming... confident. Now, don't get me wrong confidence is not a bad thing. We pray our kids will grow up to be confident. But there is a danger with confidence. It can bring about a false sense of security in one's own ability. I know from my walk of faith that confidence in my own abilities has never proved the right way to go. Better to do the best I can do while allowing God to carry me through.

So many times in my life, it is only when my confidence is rattled that I finally allow God to work. I humbly let go and he so wonderfully shows up.

Staying the course is a balancing act of having a strong faith and feeding it, while living in the world which is constantly fighting against it. It is the difficulties that pop up in our lives that remind us why it is important to stay that course. If we didn't have the struggles we would start to believe, as I had, that we have more control than we do and start relying less on God and more on ourselves.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

*Lyrics by Matt Redman Blessed be Your Name

I am a bit distracted these days I will admit.
I mean this training is like having a part time job and yet I still have all my other jobs. And when one is doing many things, some things fall by the wayside. Case in point, Cade asked me if I could wash his sheets yesterday because he found mulch in his bed. Needless to say, sheets were washed. And Camryn asked why we have not done our family formation since Easter? This, to me is worse than finding mulch in your sheets. This should never fall by the wayside. This needs to always be first on our list of priorities. Yesterday, a friend of mine stopped over to lend me a book and she reminded me that all this training could be put to good use. You know us Catholics, we frequently say "offer it up" when we hear of someone who is suffering in some way. And yet, do we know why offering it up is worthwhile?

Think of how we are moved by those who suffer for us. We are touched when we think of what our parents sacrificed to give us, when we think of stories of people who give kidneys to strangers or risk their lives to save someone else. Christ Himself said that "greater love than this no man hath, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Well, just as we are moved by sacrificial love when it is offered to us, the Father is moved by our offered-up sufferings when they are offered along with the Passion and Sacrifice of Jesus.

I Corinthians 12:26 And if one member suffer any thing, all the members suffer with it: or if one member glory, all the members rejoice with it.

My friend mentioned that I should offer my training and actual race up for someone or some intention. You know it struck a chord with me because what I really don't like about the training is "it is all about me". It feels selfish and extravagant. But this changes everything, I feel a stronger sense of purpose and more at peace with the work I am doing. And the best part? This discipline is not limited to training by any means.

In mental or physical pain? Drop something on your toe? Putting up with a co-worker who is making your life a living Hell? Enduring the constant ache of arthritis? Standing in line at the grocery and hating every minute of it? Spill the milk? Accept these things in peace, and ask God to use them for the good of the Church or for your specific intention which is close to your heart. This isn't easy to do (and I in no way claim to be good at it), but it does make the suffering more meaningful and less -- well, less insufferable!

But if doing well you suffer patiently: this is thank worthy before God. For unto this are you called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving you an example that you should follow his steps. I Peter 2:20-22