Can you tell I found my memory card.....
Mama love.
A sweet & sandy foot..yummy!
What do toddlers day dream about?
I took these pictures this afternoon while Momo and I were waiting for Ana to wake up from her nap. When I downloaded them I found some that Ana had taken of her sister yesterday. Her's are the really artistic looking ones.
Before you start yelling at me "where's Ana and where's Cade.." they both were too busy to be in these pictures..but I will catch them soon, promise.
The sum of our days...
14 years
+
2 college degrees
+
4 states
+
4 great kids
+
1 amazing sacrament
= one blessed marriage
Happy Anniversary Doug thanks for not always giving me my way. For loving me into the person I am. For challenging me to be more than I think I am capable.
You are the salsa to my chips and I love you !
Driving home in the rain from a windy lacrosse game I yelled out the windshield, "Enough, no more." I was addressing the grey, rain dropping sky. Since Wednesday, rain has been pouring down from gray skies.
"Mom", Camryn said, "you've been praying for rain, you kept saying you were tired of seeing everything so brown and that we needed rain. Now you want it to stop?"
And in my daughter's voice I heard my father God.
Who am I to say enough Lord?
But yet I do.
"How do you fast?" This question was asked of me at the start of lent by a new friend.
I can honestly say, for a very long time I didn't know the answer to that question. It seems an odd practice if taken just at face value. I mean where is the value in skipping meals anyway? In fact it sounds crazy enough especially for someone like me that gets extremely cranky when I don't eat. Many years ago my husband figured this out and when my mood was short he would first inquire when the last time I ate was before proceeding any further. Most of the time he was correct and after a meal the argument I was trying to pick didn't really seem relevant anymore.
Even before this Lent began I had begun fasting one day a week. I had received a book on fasting from my mom and it made sense how this practice is cleansing and instrumental in spiritual growth. This time I decided I needed to learn how to fast the right way. Which is one full meal and small sustenance in the morning and afternoon.
Not the starvation fast which is what I had always done before..no food just water. Don't ask me why I tortured my husband like this..this was just the way I thought it was. I was wrong because when I fast this way I lose the spirit of what fasting is and it is very counter productive.
"Fasting is a cleansing, a washing of the spirit. It cleanses the mind, knocks down ego, and raises humility."
How can denial of meals be a washing of my spirit I wondered? But I experienced it that very first day I decided to fast. After feeding the kids breakfast and packing lunches, I love sitting with a hot cup of lightly sweetened coffee to gather myself before getting the other half of our family ready and out for the day. But with out that coffee, my mouth, taste buds hands unoccupied mind waiting I prayed. I needed to pray. You see I saw that I needed help in order to get through that moment. That moment that usually offers me a calm, a reprieve before life speeds up. The coffee was just the means which gave me that peace, I depended on that mug for permission to take a breath, and take in the moment. But today it was only God there and so I prayed my first prayer of the day for help, for his constant hand throughout the day and I offered it over to Him.
The next moment was the grumble I felt in my belly driving home mid morning. "Lord I depend on you, fill me with your grace. Lift me above this flesh and my desires to peace in my soul."
The feeling of hunger didn't go away with that prayer, but the awareness that I can and must lean on God for all things in every moment filled my heart and gave me much peace.
Afternoon-preparing lunches for the girls, I was conscious of being tempted. Actual temptation starts where you are most vulnerable, for me it was my hunger. So my mind laid out a whole fantasy of foods I love. Foods that I would prepare, foods that I could indulge in this very moment to satisfy, to satisfy. But wouldn't the pita bread and hummus satisfy too? Yes it would and it did. The elaborate feast I was tempted by died when I ate my simple meal. And with it a small bit of ego died too.
You know that saying, "eat to live, don't live to eat" well that always hit home for me because I love food. I love to plan and prepare food. I love to try new food and indulge in old favorites. Food is memory to me. Eating reminds me of places, people, good times. Comforting and community. It is even ego driven. This is horrible to admit but certain foods make me feel rich. Because when Doug and I had no money I would want to buy fresh grated Parmesan cheese but it was too expensive. So I "settled" for the green can. Seems so ridiculous to admit to, but this is an example of how seeds of ego take root in the flesh.
Fasting of food is also a vehicle to understand other inordinate desires or tendencies. And may lead to other fasting from whatever is building up flesh and tearing away spirit in another way. I guess you can insert anything into the saying..."What do you live for". Is it shopping that makes you feel comforted and content? Is it TV that fills that hole that God should? Or perhaps an unhealthy obsession with work is what you live for.
"For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit and the desires of the spirit are against the flesh for these are opposed to each other...." Gal 5:17
For rest of that first day of fasting, I found many more spontaneous moments for prayer. Prayer for strength, and gratitude prayer. Because soon the flesh call got softer. And the spirit was louder with all that prayer. And I understood finally what it means to be led by the spirit not the flesh.
"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their flesh with its passions and desires."
Gal 5:24
This is how I fast and do so voluntarily on certain days regardless of the season.
The self control I have to exercise on those occasions, allows my spirit to triumph over the flesh, and for humility to conquer ego.
Every time I fast the war rages when flesh tries to overtake spirit. And I acknowledge every spirit victory is Gods grace becoming my only source and satisfying so fully.
"When you fast you are not doing something for God, He is doing something for you."
Do you know what today's rain means to me?
A day off of watering.
Flooded fields which means...No soccer, football or anyother reason for various members of this family to run off.
Craft cart pulled out for some afternoon art.
Much needed moisture for some parched roots.
Permission somehow to ignore chores and just sit quiet during naptime.
A desire to warm the oven and bake.
Sweet rain, keep falling.
Yesterday, I found myself among my flowers book in hand that is challenging my heart this Lent.
I can only read it in small doses because it forces me to think, to sink deeper into my faith and to love bigger. It is a good spiritual read for this season because it is challenging me to grow and I am slowly learning how to surrender..to let God work through me. To see the challenges in my life and relationships as great moments to grow in Love.
The air was still and warm and quiet, girls napping only the way they can after a long morning of fresh air. And I read.... and listen.... and feel... and pray. An ongoing conversation is the best way to experience His presence.
Later driving to Circle I share with a friend the grace I feel I was given from my afternoon, no longer just for me now because a shared grace gets multiplied. Now sitting at Circle listening, the talk is just for me. Eyes caught in mine I feel my heart beating, a spirit talking and I know He is here too and he is still talking to me, continuing our conversation from this afternoon when I was with my flowers now I am with his flowers these spirit filled women, and it is all grace and I know for sure that my heart is known in a way that no husband or mother or friend or sister can know. Known only by the one that created it and it is loved because that love is shown to me in the knowing and leads me to the way I need to go, lighting the way.
Thy word is a Lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Ps 119:105
After all that, I can really only say this for sure that the way I know how to love is just a drop in the ocean to how I am loved by Him. But when I catch a glimpse, rather when He grants me a glimpse of His love for me I am awestruck and eager to know Him and love Him and others the way He loves me. A calling that is bigger than I am.
Inspirations....
This time it was a movie about another country that inspired it. Sometimes life becomes a dream I have to be woken from in order to remember the reality I really want. In my case, it always is for more art, more music, more flavor. Sometimes the daily grind can leave me feeling bland and that is so not how I want to live. So I turn on the music..dance, work with hands in dirt, paint with little ones and jump start the senses, warm up the kitchen. Last night looking up at stars crescent moon, feeling came back, inspiration and even a leaning toward poetry. It doesn't matter where you live where your lot is you can bloom where you are planted. I look at my flowers, buds slowly opening even with all my coaxing and care. And they are beauty. I am beauty. Life is beauty.
Knight in Shining Armor
