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One of the paradoxes of motherhood for me is just how close the joy in my vocation is to the suffering in it. They are often so close they seem almost one. This was a precarious past couple of days...Doug left for a clinic up north and I started feeling under the weather, sinusy, allergic or whatever it was but I knew I had to pull myself together, think happy thoughts and barrel through. Some advice I heard a Lacrosse coach tell Cade actually went through my mind, "when there is a mess of players all after the ball, just keep your head down and barrel through the mess and you will come out with it". So that's what I did, put my head down to barrel through this mess of life by myself.
Well I did feel better and we all survived. Today was Camryn's first Penance and this has been her anxiety all week. Last night I made a poor decision. I allowed Camryn's friend to sleep over. Do I need to remind any of you reading this how 8 year old girls are when they are together after dark? Well it's all giggles from them and shhhshhing from me. Last night as I lay in my bed sometime around midnight and I still heard the giggling I actually thought to myself this is torture I wish we lived in a bigger house where I couldn't hear this. And then almost immediately, my wiser self said, this would not be better either because you would actually have to get up and check on them, leaving 2 girls to regulate themselves unchecked in a separate wing is not responsible parenting either. So I accepted that this is right for all of us and then...peace.. all were asleep.
This morning, after french toast we left for the Church. I forgot my camera, my nursing shawl, my patience. A car load of kids and one of them very nervous I tried so hard to be reassuring for Camryn. Then there she was her little shoulders and head barely above the back of the pew, I prayed hard for her. Then there she was in line head down, I could tell she was practicing her prayers. Then I finally looked away, not wanting to impose on this intimate moment. Soon, the wiggling 8month old I was holding calmed and my 8 year old came over to me with a great big smile on her face. I hugged her. Unexpectedly, I told her I will be right back and I took my place in line. And the same scene repeated except for she was watching me in the pew and I was the one in line. When I came back to the pew Camryn's friend said, "Mrs. Socha, you look so happy." I really was. Was it the grace I just received or was it how proud I was of my daughter? Probably both. For me, witnessing my children take part in a sacrament of our Church is twofold. It is stressful both for the logistics of getting us all to the Church and trying to ready our hearts for it, and it is extremely satisfying to see us living it. We are living our faith and passing it on to our kids. As hard as it is on most days especially this one. As we left a Wendy's after Cade's Lacrosse game, an older woman said, "are these all yours?" And I nodded, too weary from the afternoon to explain all but one were. "God Bless you" she said. And Camryn's friend asked "who was that?" To which Camryn explained, "people just say that alot to us." My suffering and my joy. Amen!

Camryn is making her first Penance this Saturday so we were working on the prayers and talking about it yesterday. With a very serious and somewhat sad face she said "Mom I committed adultery". I asked why she thought so and she proceeded to tell me about the day that her friend's older sister drove her home. She thought that since the sister wasn't an "adult" but merely seeming so with an act like driving a car, this was committing adultery or in other words acting like an adult. And since she was in the car, Camryn naturally felt an accomplice to this sin of impersonating an adult. It was then that I realized how innocent children are and how they interpret sin. This conversation reminded me that my children are just that. They need my clarification on things they don't yet understand. But it is hard to determine just where and when they misunderstand. And this is not just with our faith it is in living in this world. Sometimes I am not very good at the clarifying part I must admit. Sometimes their perspective amuses me and I don't take full advantage of the opportunity to clear it up. I love discovering and hearing how innocents see this fallen world with a different perspective than my old one. I am always amazed how when I encounter a problem or a difficult situation, the kids readily offer simple solutions to me void of all the complexity that comes with experience. Even though the solution may be childish, it still helps me by reminding me to get straight to the solution without all the emotion.
So Camryn and I talked about it and I still sensed her nervousness and fear of being made accountable for her sins. But I reminded her who she is confessing to...Jesus. And that all the fear and nervousness she feels will be replaced with a peace and freedom that only Jesus can give. And he is the most perfect, loving parent, way better than this earthly one and thank goodness.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

-Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights


13 years, 4 states and 4 kids will do that to you. I love you. Happy Anniversary!

Some pictures from our day.....



This princess is wearing a crown AND underwear!! Yeah finally!
These two are trouble don't be decieved by them they are dangerous!



Needs a haircut!

Spring Break
We had to stay at a beach front hotel because there was a parasite killing our fields and they were going to gas them. Don't go getting all jealous of us though, because the entire time we were at the beach it was dreadfully windy. So windy, that being on the beach was like a full body micro-derm abrasion treatment. We did hang out at the pool a little but it was so disappointing not to be able to hit the beach.

Here are a few pictures in honor of the 1st day of Spring! (I figured if I published these any sooner I'd get some angry remarks!)

Monica was up half the night (this time, let's blame it on...) teething and so subsequnetly so was I. Needless to say we didn't make it to the 6:45 am Mass or the 8:00 or even the 9:30 Mass. We were one of the herd at 11:30. This Mass is always loaded and it being Palm Sunday seemed more so. Anyway, during that Gospel we were doing great the palms provided entertaiment for Ana (probably not so much for the people in front of us that were getting poked by them) and even Monica was hanging in there. I was listening..as much as I can with both my eyes alternating between all my children making sure they, just.. please... make it... through this Mass. I usually hear bits here and there and I feel like what makes it past all that distraction really warrants my attention. Well, today it was a dosey. I heard this, "blah, blah, blah, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak, " blah blah blah. It hit me...This is you....What's this what are we talking about here? I look over to Cade who is always following along. "Where are we," I whisper, he points to the page.. Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. Oh Jesus, I am reminded again that you never ask us to suffer what you haven't suffered yourself.
How well you know me... this is my struggle now, during Lent, and all the time. I just didn't know what to call it. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". Oh how weak my flesh is. I paid close attention to the rest of the Gospel and proceeded to find out just how weak my flesh is, I heard myself in Judas' betrayal, in Peter's denial, in Pilate's indecisiveness, and yes in the collective voice of the crowd. I realized I am and have been all those things.

But, I am so blessed!

Why?

1. Because the Word is alive and talking to me always
and
2. Because even as I write how awful that is, my faith gives me an incredible Grace. I am always welcome to complete and total forgiveness in the beautiful sacrament of Reconciliation.

This is the only way that all the weakness of my flesh can reconcile with my spirit so that I can experience the peace the defies all understanding.

This is the beginning of Holy Week, there is no better time to ask for God's forgiveness for our weaknesses.

Cade loves Lacrosse

I mean it, he really loves it.
What other explaination is there for him to wake up at 6am to go practice??
Or why would he put his new stick in my face while I was very busy and say,"mom, tell my stick to be good." And I did, "be good stick".
Or if you want the real proof, on the way home from his Lacrosse game I overheard him say under his breath...
"I love Lacrosse"

Call me single minded, but when I have guests visiting, I really don't have a desire to spend time on my blog. So, you can guess that since I am writing this, my mom left this morning (sigh). We had so much fun; walking, talking, reading scripture, shopping, eating and so much more. I so enjoyed her visit, but this morning my husband came in singing as is his irritating, I mean endearing routine in the morning, and he gave me a big hug and said, "I have my wife back". Now that didn't occur to me, because while my mom was here I still attended to my family, probably more so because I had her helpful hands, but to Doug, I wasn't fully being a wife. I am happy to know that to Doug, my duties around the house such as cooking and cleaning, and caring for our children does not a wife make. His wife is a companion, a best friend, a lover, a road dog.
I just finished reading this book, and ironically it was about close friendships between women. They called these close friends laotongs or old sames. I feel blessed to think I have many women I would call a laotong. And though today I feel sad because one of my laotongs left, I am happy to be fully back with the only one I call husband.